I’ve been on a hiatus with my blog lately. For awhile I felt a little overwhelmed with the need to write something important or profound. Well, I’m over that now. Writing has never been my foremost talent, but I have other things I’m good at, so I’ve decided not to beat myself up for sounding and feeling illiterate after reading Amy’s blog.
Right now I’m feeling a bit confused. I’ve always been a person ruled by emotions. When something happens to upset my little world, the first thing I do is feel. And of course, most people do right? But with me it’s a little intense, it’s more than just feeling, it’s powerful, overwhelming and blinding. After my excessive feelings fade though, I do find that calm and clear thinking Megan does emerge. Well yesterday I had a little upset; I found out that my father, whom I haven’t spoken to in about four years, has been reading my blog. First reaction was to give in to how I felt, and I felt infuriated. I ranted and raved: “What right does he have to read about my family’s life?” “How dare he have a relationship with my blog world!”; and so on. Yesterday I felt a loss of control, mainly because I have been diligent in the past few months on working to become a better me. A more spiritual me, a me that I’ve always wanted to be, slow to anger, quick to forgive, and always ready to love anyone and everyone unconditionally. To not have my love for people based on what they do or how they treat me. It’s been a big process, a life changing one, and through that process I’ve always known that I would come to the point to where I would fully forgive my father for the hurt that he has caused me and those I love. Now I feel confused because I’m not ready to do that just yet, but my dad has come back into my life in an odd way now. To be able to read his blog and know that he reads mine is a little weird and personal. I do feel at peace with it though, which is more than I could ever ask for from the Lord.
So to my dad I would like to tell him that I’ve never stopped loving him and someday (not now) I will be able to meet with him and lay my full forgiveness at his feet. And when that day comes I will be the person that I’ve always wanted to be and known that I could be.
7 comments:
Megs, I'm crying & it's not because of all the Dad issues, it's in pure amazement at YOU. Your writing always moves me, and the efforts you are making to a better "you" have impressed & inspired me hugely.
Please keep writing...if only because it truly means so much to me. I love you!
...and we wish you had made D's party , too. I was remembering last years party with you & the boys...
You have no reason to feel you aren't a great writer. Writing is communicating thought, ideas and emotions and I think you always convey your emotions very well. I am pleased to see that you aren't being held hostage by the demons that so easily could. Way to go and welcome back I truly enjoy checking in on your family.
You made me cry too. I love reading your posts and I am the one that always feel illiterate after reading your blog. Keep posting.
Hey I need you ask you something so call me when you get a chance. I don't have your number and the one my dad had is your Flagstaff number.
Megan- Like always you have made me think. You so impress me with how you know what you need to do in life. You also know how you are not ready for the final step to healing, but at least you know how to get there.You are so much farther ahead then most of us still searching! You are my Hero!
Megan - none of us can compare ourselves to Amy in the writing department. But there's no need to. Your words are your own and they're honest and reveal your heart. I really appreciate the candor with which you share your life on your blog. I'm glad you're back. I am impressed with how well you know yourself - you're amazing to me.
Wow, the five of you really will never know what a boost you gave me for the weekend. It can be frustrating at how easily you can become discouraged at yourself and just a few words from friends and family can make ALL the difference. Thanks for all the support I have received, I love you all!
Wow, I guess you miss a lot when you don't check "the blogs" everyday! I am sorry that I didn't read it a few days ago, but now that I have, I must say that I am impressed and in awe of how much you have grown through your study and struggle. I know it hasn't been easy - and won't become any easier, but in the end (although I'm not sure there ever is an "end"), the peace you feel will have been worth it! And you'll treasure your new relationship with the Savior. You have definitely grown more in the past months than I have ever seen and I'm so proud of you! I think you're fabulous and I admire you for your courage to write/share your feelings with everyone. I love you!
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