Random, random, random...

~I keep replaying the last Sunday at church I had. The day before we went to Iowa City for Caleb’s surgery. The stress. Teaching Relief Society. NEVER teach Relief Society if you’re an emotional wreck. I do not like to cry. I really don’t like to cry in front of other people, not even my husband. I really, really don’t like to cry in front of the entire Relief Society. Glad that day is over.

~Being a mother is difficult. I’ve always thought that. I think that more and more each day. How do you spread yourself to everyone? Between a post-op heart surgery baby, who whimpers at you every time you walk past him. Like you wouldn’t pick him up each time, right? How could you not! And my two big boys who need just as much reassurance and love and attention as my little bit does. And a Relief Society Christmas party that is less than a week away and needs planning, and phone calls, and complete melt-down stress to wrap up. (Why did I say yes to two callings??) And time for a husband. Time with husband is important, too important to shove aside. How do people juggle it all? Oh, and Christmas cards…

~And I was thinking the other day; those that read my blog probably think that Caleb is magically drinking bottles post-op. No. My one day of apple juice phenomenon in the hospital was short lived. Why does my child not eat??? Seriously, he eats nothing. And the reflux and vomiting were giving us quite a stressful scare this past week, threatening dehydration and potential hospitalization. His GI doctor calls Caleb a “head-scratcher” who “makes really smart doctor’s look really stupid”. Will there ever be an answer?

~I am also super sad/depressed/melancholy/anxious for my mother to leave tomorrow. Where did two weeks go so quickly? My heart literally aches, I can’t bear the thought. I miss family. I miss sisters and brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We move in May, but by that time it will have been two years since we’ve left Iowa. I’m aching for mountains, holidays with family, and free babysitting.

~And my last complaint, I promise. My other missing friend in this whole stressful occasion of life…sleep. Hence the blogging at five in the morning.

~And because I hate to end on a sour note I’d like to state my testimony of my Savior and Redeemer, whom without I could not do any of this. I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind that He has carried my family. But my gratitude overflows when I think of how he has carried my son through this past year of surgeries, frustrations and pains. I know he has eased the frustrations Caleb has felt at having a mind of an eight month old with curiosity and the need to learn and explore his world, and yet having the body and strength of a baby much younger that limits his ability to crawl, scoot or sit-up. I know he has eased his pain, and I witnessed it myself as my baby laid in a bed with more tubes and wires coming out of him and attached to him than imaginable. I’ve always been indebted to Him. I am filled with complete joy and gratitude for that debt each time I look at my little boy.